At the end of each day, this seems to be the last question that runs through my mind. It's not so much about something I've forgotten to do--as it is a given that there are MANY things in the course of a day that I leave undone, MANY times that I leave the house and return with only half of what I intended to get. It's moreso about the moments that most parents can recall about their kids for years to come; mispronounced words, funny comments, milestones met, or just a memorable time spent just being with them. I used to be so good at journaling... before I had kids and my time was essentially my own. Although, I can recall so many things about my sister's kids, who I have long thought of as my own.
I am reminded that I have not had the same opportunity to 'get to know' each of my children over the course of their short lives as others have, as we didn't 'get' our children as most do. By the time we got our oldest three, the first 1-3 years of their lives had been lived elsewhere, their personalities had already begun to be shaped by others, and we had just (only 2 weeks beforehand) taken in a 2-week-old foster baby. In less than 3 weeks, we had gone from being a family of 2, to being a family of 6; there were now 4 little people who were totally dependant on us, and it was SCARY.
Now as we come up to our 4th anniversary of that day, the day these 3 little ones officially became our family--thanks to the many prayers of family and friends, and mostly (I feel) the prayers of my little 8-year-old nephew who had prayed for "four kids before March break" for 3 years (and that's exactly when we got them, just before his March break from school)--we are still a family of 6, but different than when we started... in many ways. First of all, that little foster baby only stayed with us one year, and though at the time we didn't know how we would manage without him, we saw God unfold much bigger plans than we could ever have imagined in the months to come.
Our new family put us through many challenges, we saw many tears, and there were MANY times I felt completely inadequate to take on this HUGE responsibility called 'parenting'. Somehow being a parent was not as easy as my sister had made it look for so many years, and there are still many times I do not feel equal to the challenge. But as I look back on the old journal I used to keep so much more faithfully than at present, I see how my kids have not only grown and changed in their physical appearance, but how they are finally starting to (slowly) emerge into their own person, and for that I am glad... and sad because as things were so chaotic and overwhelming in the beginning, I am constantly trying to recall the things I'm afraid I have missed.
Which brings me to Sam, our "bonus" from God. After the first 16 months with our oldest three, we were finally able to begin working on our adoption paperwork; four months later, we discovered I was pregnant. The month before Sam was born, our adoption was finalized; we were legally as God had intended us to be... a family. And now, as I watch Sam doing new things everyday, there are times when I wish I could have had this same experience with each of my kids, to see who they were "then", and I have to stop and remind myself that there are many moments left to capture, many 'firsts' still to come, and they will be equally as significant and wonderful as anything I thought I might have missed in that 1-3 year 'gap'. Any time I spent wondering and worrying about days gone by is time taken from a moment I could be having now, and I just don't want to lose any more of those.
